Getting my college degree

I recently reconnected with a college friend though our shared experience with cancer. I am re learning about myself and about my values, and thinking about our time together in college.

When you go through the British education system, you start in primary school and work your way through the years. At age 13, you get to secondary school. It is now that you choose or test into your path for life: grammar school, where you follow an academic path, or comprehensive school, where you follow a less rigorous and academic path, training ground for the British class system. I ended up at the grammar school, more thanks to my persistence than any smarts of mine.

Despite being from the wrong end of town, I got through my teenage years reltively unscathed and with a new found social conscious, much to my fathers disgust.
This article says it better.
Great music and movies came from and about this time: The Beatles, Elvis presley, Woodie Guthrie, just do a search for protest songs and movies. You will find some classics.

It is with this backdrop that I discovered that there was some concern for the future of the planet and found myself as an environmentalist. My friend Diane and I started a campus, campagn for nuclear disarmament group (CND). When Margaret thatcher began to close the coal mines we stood with the miners, chanting “COAL NOT Dole”. I was hugely jealous of Diane’s coal miners donkey jacket, with N.C.B. on the back. Watch the full monty for visual context. The town in the movie looks just like the place Diane and I lived, with Jen and Pete just down the road and the working men’s club further down the hill.

We often woke to the sound of hob nail boots of the miners going to work at the Elsecar colliery or the sound of coal being delivered down the back yard coal chutes. I still hear those sounds in my dreams.

A link to the Elsecar and Holland colliery.
https://hemingfieldcolliery.org/pits-hoyland-silkstone/

In what today would be called freshers week, I met fellow students and room mates who would become lifelong friends and follow almost similar paths in life.

I have recently been reading books about sailing and being on the ocean.

This book was recommended to me by Mark but I started to read the swellwhich turned out To be the wrong book. The swell by babies Reynolds was a psychological thriller and not a book about surfinngand sailing as I eas expecting.the two books could not have been more different. I am so glad I ditched the swell and read swell

This is probably not the best synopsis of the book. I was constantly looking for references to the dragon eventually thought that the dragon is a reference to our inner fears, fear of not being enough, fear of nor doing enough. Brene brown has a lot to say about this

!Reminds me to think aboutvthe yoga practice of santosha, being happy with what we have and living in the present. The gragon analogy is the running from the present, chasing something we don’t have

Back on track now with Swell, byLiz Clark. A story about a family who Sail to mexico As a family.with her father ascaptain

Liz team. Surprisingly Liz does not know how ro swim but it does not deter her from surfing. She calls it”her solace”

She is studying environmental science in Santa Barbara.a chance encounter has her meeting the author of the course she is taking. She gets invited to Sail with the professor to whom she admits a desire to Sail a long disvoyage on her own.

Dr skylar’s proposal

He will help financially in getting the boat ready, in return she’ll write regular notes on the trip.since he cannot longer captain a boat, He wants toliv vicariously through this young, enth

The journey begins.

Inevitably she encounters many obstacles on her journey. Including a leak I th bilge pump. At each difficult encounter ah begins to view the upsides of her situatio,, trying to put a positive spinon each issue. In a Achance encounter with Marcus, when her motor fails sends her down a potential romanticroad.not to be derailed from her goal. She puts the p0ssibility aside and continues to face the challenges of her goal, which seem to be multiplying as she journies.

As she continues north her mum joins her and we learn why the boat is named swell. Mom joins and yogethrtheyjourney north. Traing stories they learn about her moms past and relationship with herdad.she also sees a vision in the sky whichencoursges her to change her iew of herself.from unattractive, weakgirlto handsome, smart and capable woman..her description of the starry skyvision is breathtaking this is the strength of the book.strong Emotional descriptions of her various adventures, and enc raw descriptions of her encounters with people on the journey.

I also took away a call to live in the moment, appreciating the various gifts thatlife present themselves

I guess sailing is a metaphor for life.

A journey to s destination that requires teamwork, a set of rules and decisions to make on the way. Success depends on a person’s Grit, determination and a few strokes of luck slongvthecway..I recommend the book for its adventure story, sailing descriptions and insights to my responses to the story.

I need to remember. Thatvthe journey is am on is an adventure or tragedy depending on my attitude. Most of the time I choose adventure but there sre occasions, as in the book where it feels like a tragedy. It is all a state of mind.my my innerdragon can be fierce but it can also be gentle and kind. In my head I picture the dragon from Harry Potter stories.

I am going to publish this without editing so I hope you can follow my crazy thouts! If not at least you get to live in my head for a few minute s

A crazy place don’t you think?

Journeys end

My oy disappointment with this book was that it did not circle around and leave me with any closure.i have 10 minutes of the book and this is the ending I want

Opening to what is here. According to Jeff Warren in the Calm meditation app, equanimity is the existential orientation of opening to what is here. In short, it is what it is.

Call the Midwife

Sister Hilda says “I am excited to see what happens next.” The new mother superior chastizes her for looking to the future and tells her to accept what comes next. I wish I could remember what episode that was as it was phrased much better.

We don’t know what the next moment in our life holds. What is important, is that we appreciate the present moments we have, and enjoy them for what they are.

Not to say you can’t look forward to events. For example, I am sitting enjoying watching Dave and Thomas building the pond and looking forward to the Stapley family arriving. I have deep gratitude for both events. If for some reason the pond doesn’t get finished or the dog pees in it, or Rex throws soil in it, I’ll be fine. That’s equanimity to me.

Google search

Mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.

“she accepted both the good and the bad with equanimity“

Who hasn’t come across doggie poop bags on the trail? Often you will see them in the bushes on the trail side where they have been left for pick up on the way back down and then forgotten. Often they are on the start of the trail in a big pile next to a garbage can! Why not take the extra step to put the bag of poop in the can? Is this about an entitlement mentality or is it something more? Outside podcast has an episode that talks about this issue as it applied to Aspen, Colorado. Listen to the episode and tell me what you think.

The worst is poop on the trail.

Even worse is dog poop on the ski hill.

Is the problem entitlement? The “I pay for a discover  pass so someone else can deal with it” mentality? However, according to the article it is human waste that is becoming a big issue as more people recreate. Think backpacking and those fancy outdoor trips, what then? The old way was to dig a hole away from a water source. Or the poop on a rock strategy. It sounds like this is no longer ecologically or aesthetically sound practice.

What is the solution? Sometimes it it happens and we get caught short on the trail. I have!! Yuk, I know!

Wag bags are the solution according g to the article. Look them up. They are portable toilets. Used by big rafting and hiking groups. I plan on buying a bunch for these for emergencies.

I am entitled to a disabled parking spot, I am not entitled to poop where I want.

Not great news this time. The tumor is growing. We will continue avastin treatment as this is stopping the swelling. However, I should expect to experience an increase in confusion and left side neglect. I will need more and more help as it continues to grow.

Moving forward

I plan to continue enjoying the time I have with all the people I love. I am going to read my wonderful book of letters to remind myself how lucky I am.

Every morning when I wake up. I do my meditation and think about how happy I am to still be here. I have said this before, hopefully but I put this down to

• Family supprt
• Good wishes and positive thoughtsfrom friends
• Keto diet
• Following standard of care
• Cards and gifts of crystals from friends, students and co workers
• General good health and strength from my prior life.
• Meditation and sleep.
• For now I will continue to work on being presentand savoing all the moments in my life. Even on my down days, which I have had a few. I can remind myself of how fortunate i am
• I have not had this proofed as thomas is in Kansas do I apologize for spelling and bad grammar

What I cannot yet do

• Dress myself
• Vcook food
• Walk without help.
• Drive

What I can do

• Walk with help
• Read
• Hug my kids and grandkids
• Paddle with support
• Squats
• Open to being vulnerable
• Sleep

This is the dilemma facing thousands of people right now.

This was our dilemma at the end of July last year as we prepared for Daisy and Mark’s wedding on their property in Mazama.

We were camping with Flo and had Sophie and Roland with us, so it was a no brainer. We had to leave. We packed up with plans to change the wedding venue to North bend. The next few weeks were a whirlwind of planning. What a fun wedding it was too.

Daisy’s neighbor, Donni stayed and with help of neighbors kept the perimeter of her property damp using a hose. She also moved all her toys and dirt bikes to keep them safe.

The fire that moved a wedding!

Dawn update

It has been almost a year since diagnosis and surgery what a day that was! Thinking I had vertigo but was told I had 2 lemon sized tumors on my brain. Plus, they were malignant!!! I said to him, “are you joking?” “No,” he said, “this is a life changer, terminal brain cancer.” How scary!

Read my blog for what happened next.

My purpose here is to acknowledge all the love and support I have received in this journey. I could not have done it without you. You have no idea how grateful I am to be here 12 months later and my last MRI showing stable.

My gratitude to:

• Dave, my constant companion
• My friends who come and keep me company if Dave has to leave.
• My wonderful children who visit all the time to keep my spirits up. Making sure I am not alone.
• My five grandchildren who are my reminders of what I have to live for. How lucky am I?
• My family who have travelled from Australia, Scotland, England, Germany, and Canada to support me.
• All the prayer warriors who send out their positive energy.
• Meditation and breath work help me to relax when I get stressed.
• Netflix for the between times when Dave needs to work.
• My care team who check in on me and respond to my questions.
• Willing hands to help me go on wheelchair walks, river fun, paddle bards, and bathroom runs – which sometimes end up as adventures of their own😂
• North bend. How did we end up in such a beautiful place? The view from my sofa alone sustains me.
• My phone is my communication tool.

So, do I stay and keep the fire at bay, or do I abandon ship?
Honestly some of my darker days, when I think about what I no longer can do, I want to abandon. But then I look at what I have to stay for and choose that.
Thank you everyone for your love and support. I know I said in a previous post that I was not going to say fight, but now I have the resources to slow this cancer thanks to all the people above. I am going to hang on and proverbially dampen the fire a little while longer.

Outside podcast June 29th “what it feels like to fight a wildfire”

Check out this story about a retired firefighter who chose to stay and fight despite authorities asking them to get out. He disagreed and there is evidence to support his view. Listen to the podcast to find out. https://www.outsideonline.com/podcast/what-it-feels-like-to-fight-a-wildfire/

Hi All, just finished with the Dr. and things are looking okay, everything is stable swelling is reduced and the tumors looked smaller compared to the MRI in April. Basically this is good news as stable / not getting worse is what we are aiming for. Dr. is reducing the steroid dose and getting Dawn back on the Avastin infusion. Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement.

Getting naked and vulnerable in the outdoors.

Have you ever hiked naked? Skinny dipped?

Outdoor podcast April 27th, the author talks of her experience of bring naked in hot springs and how that made her feel exposed and vulnerable and the subsequent effect on her view of her self, body image and mental health.

When our kids were little we camped by the Kettle River in Canada and frequently skinny dipped. It feels so good on the skin! For me in my current situation, I need help getting to and using the bathroom so super vulnerable exposing my skinny butt every day to multiple people so going naked is not something I want to do.

Bottom line: we feel more comfortable when we fit in with those around us, naked or not. Hence our obsession with Instagram, wanting to fit in but a distorted view of what life looks like! I am equally guilty of that! I follow yogis and get down on myself when I realize I can no longer do what I used to do. I get reminded every day to enjoy each day to the best of my ability. Comparing myself to #beachyogagirl really does not serve me. I need to let it go!

What I can do:

• Sally Up squat challenge
• Write
• Read
• Paddle with help
• Sit in water. This is awesome on those hot days.
• Love all my 5 grandkids.
• Order on Amazon, ask Dave!
• Sleep
• Eat

Dancing in snow. Now I get my family and friends to do it and send pictures.

MRI update coming Monday

Reminder and disclaimer

This blog is my way of coping with my cancer. It helps me to put things in their place and work through what is really important, the gap between what was and my new reality. Turns out that was always there, I just did not truly acknowledge it.. Family, friends travel, my town… my advice to you all is to acknowledge and celebrate what you have in your life. Enjoy all the moments, even the shitty ones as they teach us something too. Through this journey I have learned:

• Patience
• Being vulnerable
• The power of gratitude and meditation
• Breathing
• To relax
• How to blog
• Being in the moment (still work in progress)
• Do I want to hike Naked? No thanks but I do want to watch The Full Monty!!!!

When I was pregnant with Thomas I read all the usual baby books, Penelope Leach etc.

I soon came to realize that there was more to raising children than having them sleep on a schedule!

I realized that I could get cranky when I had to ask them the same thing multiple times. Such as you are going to be late for school. Get up and have breakfast. I am sure I probably raised my voice on a number of occasions. Ask the kids!

I may not have been as mindful of a parent as I wanted to be, but I can be an incredibly mindful grandparent. I can learn new tricks, the book offers exercises to help. Identify triggers and ways to make different choices in my reactions. Making good choices depends on our ability to process the upper parts of our brain in order to stress response. This part of the brain does not fully develop until early adulthood!

Bottom line

Control my stress response through mindfulness

Say what I see and don’t try to just fix the problem

I think my kids have read this book as this is what they all do.

Here are some examples.

Steve at Daisy’s wedding, saw that Sophie wanted to dance but was shy. He validated her feelings then encouraged her to show her fabulous moves. She danced long into the night, glo sticks flying!

Thomas and Kyla

When rex is hurt. They ask him to tell them what happened and how he feels by showing how much he hurts not fixing the problem but letting him talk it out.

Mark and daisy are teaching Morgan and Merritt to choose their words carefully when expressing opinions, replacing “yuk” with “this is not my favorite”.

Anna is so patient with Roland as he works on his goals. Never pushing or getting mad, but guiding him to success and respecting when he has had enough. Potty training is hard but Anna is taking it slow, at Roland pace. They will get there eventually with no shaming or blame but gentle encouragement.

I am so proud of my 👪

I just love the ideas I find on Instagram.

I plan on being a grandparent that follows my kids lead,  Listening without judging

Controlling my emotions and responding with empathy not solutions unless asked for. Let’s see how I  do!